If I do / If I don't

Ugh- I'm sooo tired of feeling like this!  I am tired of feeling unhappy and self-conscious.  I'm tired of feeling uncomfortable wearing anything but sweats or pajamas.  I'm tired of feeling my rolls and seeing the cottage cheese dimples.  I'm tired of feeling so out of control with my eating.  I'm tired of being so exhausted all the time.  I'm tired of getting winded so easily.  I'm tired of watching the scale go up but not doing anything about it.  I'm tired of disliking myself so much.

The GOOD things that will happen to me IF I DO take control now to lose weight:

• I will be proud of myself
• I will be more confident
• I will decrease my chances of diabetes and other diseases
• I will have more energy (especially to play with my kids)
• I will look better in my clothes
• People will notice and start complimenting me in 1-2 months
• I will enjoy being in photos with my family

IF I DON'T take control now to lose weight:

• I will just continue to get heavier
• I will increase my chances of getting diabetes
• I will continue to be down about myself
• I will continue to hate all of my clothes
• I will continue to hate all photos I'm in
• People may talk about my weight gain behind my back

Goals and Reasons

GOALS:

1. Lose 10% of my weight (weight of 211 lbs)
2. Be within the "overweight" weight range for my height- and out of the "obese" range  (196 lbs)
3. Return to Pre-Pregnancy weight of 180 lbs
4. Return to Wedding weight of 170 lbs
5. Be within "normal" weight range for my height (164 lbs)
6. Return to college weight of 155 lbs

REASONS TO LOSE WEIGHT:

1. I don't want to be the "fat one" in my group of friends anymore
2. I want to be at a healthy weight and feel attractive again
3. I want my BMI to be in a healthy range
4. I don't want to hate every photo I'm in or feel the need to hide behind someone
5. I want to lose weight before my kids realize what "fat is"
6. I want to enjoy life and stop worrying about others judging me
7. I want to put on clothing and feel good
8. I don't want to stare blankly into my closet thinking "I have NOTHING to wear"
9. I want to have more energy to play with my kids
10. I want to be a healthy role model for my kids
11. I want to enjoy eating healthy so I can encourage my family to do the same
12. I don't want to become diabetic like my grandmother
13. I want SMALLER boobs
14. I want to feel in control
15. I want to be able to wear my engagement and wedding rings again 
16. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin
17. I don't want to run into old friends from high school or college and worry about what they think 
18. I want to inspire others
19. I want to have "before" and "after" photos that show off all of my hard work 
20. I want to always be able to find my size while shopping
21. I want to enjoy clothes shopping
22. I want to feel comfortable wearing shorts, tank tops and sun dresses
23. I want to be able to wrap a towel all the way around me
24. I don't want to sweat so easily anymore
25. I don't want to snore when I sleep anymore
26. I don't want to shudder every time I look in a mirror
27. When someone tells me I look good- I want to actually believe it
28. I want to wear my Sevens jeans again
29. I want to go to the beach in my bathing suit without feeling like the fattest woman there.
30. I don't want to feel as though I am judged for whatever I eat at a BBQ or party
31. I want to be a size 8/10 again......or smaller
32. I want to be able to jog/run without some part of my body hurting....or jiggling
33. I want to be able to meet new people without feeling self conscious
34. I don't want people to think or say "She'd be pretty if she only lost weight."   
35. I want to love myself again

My "Someday" Has Come

This.  This is the photo that did it for me.  Apparently the DMV didn't know about my trick of camera angles so that I don't look like such a troll.  The picture on the left is from 8 years (and 60 lbs) ago- back when the angle of the camera didn't matter.   In those 8 years I've gotten married, had 3 children (just had #3 six weeks ago), and lost my mom.  Anyway, after leaving the DMV today, I texted my husband this hideous photo and made some joke about how I will never eat again.  He texted back telling me that I'm beautiful......and that's when I lost it.  I just started crying.  Look at what I've done to myself.  How can he possibly still think I'm beautiful?  Whether he's lying to me or not, I was thankful for those words in that moment even though I didn't believe it myself.  So after I let myself have a good cry, I realized I had a decision to make.  I could continue to cry and feel sorry for myself, or I could do something about it.   I looked at my baby and thought about my other boys and chose the latter.  They need me, the real me....not this depressed, lazy person that I have become.  I have gypped them out of the real me for their entire lives.  It's not fair and they don't deserve it.  I don't deserve it.

So- today is my Someday.....the day I always allude to when I think or say, "I will lose weight someday" or "Someday, I will begin my journey to a happier, healthier me."  I know WHAT I have to do......I've done this before.   I am ready to take control and stop making excuses.  I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm stressed, I eat because it's yummy, and I eat whatever I want because it's easier than it is to plan out meals, and count points or calories or whatever.  I have stopped working out because it is just easier to come home and play with the kids or watch TV.  I am back to feeling sluggish, irritable, and just plain ugly.  I hate having my photo taken - even though I know these boys aren't going to stay little forever.

I will be writing in this blog for motivation, to keep myself accountable, and to figure out why I keep self-sabotaging my weight loss efforts.   I will be taking it one day at a time.  For now, that's all I can do.  It's all about choices- and each time I make a good choice, I will just be that much closer to my goal.